Generalized Everything Update

[ratbones]

-I wrote a fic in July that I'm not posting, so that was an interesting thing. I don't feel like I failed in the writing, exactly, more like I embarked on an endeavor I should've known was doomed, but I'm kind of proud of myself for sticking it out and finishing something bad. Now I know what that looks like.

-Yes there's a new project now but don't tell anyone I told you.

-I keep meaning to talk about my meditation practice as it pertains to writing, but I'm at such risk of sounding like a fucking youtuber. I will just say that after the failed endeavor I took 10 days off trying to write to do a meditation course and ended up not using all 10 days, because I just had to get some ideas down by day 8. (I finished the course but I cut the writing vacation short.) Being too well-trained to mindfulness has been an unwanted interruption to idea-generation mind-wandering in the past, but it's a totally necessary interruption to being scattered and stuck in a rut and trying to do too much at once. You gotta open the doorway between the world and your heart, maaaaan.

-Pretty sure UPS just drove right past my house on Friday without attempting to deliver my package to me. Cool. That's a new tea set, my guy, I need that. For tea. It's important.

-cyberbrain has descended into the Ace Attorney rabbit hole, luring me into a replay of the games. Ace Attorney is my longest-running fandom, if I'm allowed to count 15ish years of on-and-off lurking, and I'm back to lurking there a bit. I think I'd started to take Guardian's fandom for granted, which is not to say that Ace Attorney's fandom is bad in any way, just that it's less suited to me, e.g. it's harder for me to find fic I want to read -- whereas the Guardian tag is like, 50% or more fic I want to read. Which is a ridiculous standard that nothing should ever be measured against.

-Also because of cyberbrain, I watched a 2018 Japanese drama called dele. It's got a central "bromance" which I felt was a tad light on bromantic tension, but the characters are great and the cases-of-the-week are brilliantly written, often painful, and usually in some way hopeful. One of the main guys is a wheelchair user and I was really impressed by the writing and acting around his disability. It's pretty inconsequential to his personality and storyline, and he can do some very cool shit with his wheelchair. Anyway, recommended. 8 episodes total.

-I'm only on episode 8 of my Guardian rewatch. Which isn't because it's going badly. It's going great. I finally have the HD screenshots I need...from the first 8 episodes. Lots of stuff to say about episode 8, most of which I think has already been said better by others, but my favorite little moments in the whole Zhao Yunlan tummyache sequence are 1. Shen Wei snatching Zhao Yunlan's medicine back when Zhao Yunlan says he'll swallow the pill dry and 2. Shen Wei smoothing out Zhao Yunlan's unwrinklable casual clothes after folding them. This man is distraught and angry over Zhao Yunlan's utter failure to care for himself and the only way to soothe it is with excessively fussy caretaking and I love him. I also love Zhao Yunlan curling up in a tighter ball of pain and sads when Shen Wei scolds him. Dumb baby. <3 Not to neglect the books scene, which I know makes some people cringe but look, it's Shameless Zhao Yunlan, he thought he was gonna win Shen Wei over by running a scam, he needed this. But poor Shen Wei. This episode is made of evidence that he should question his taste in men, not that there's any hope left for him now. At least he gets to embarrass the shit out of Zhao Yunlan for it, and the shutdown only makes Zhao Yunlan more thirsty, if anything. Gotta get new tactics there, bud. I hope it's obvious by now that I pick on Zhao Yunlan because I adore him. Oh of course this is the longest point on the list. I guess I'll leave it there for now.

Comments

[trobadora]

I totally understand not wanting to post something you feel is bad, but a) yay for finishing it anyway! and b) I'm really curious about it now. (And what makes it bad in your eyes.) Absolutely no obligation to explain, of course! *hugs*

Also, 15 years of on-and-off lurking totally count! Old fandoms that never really go away are the best.

Shen Wei snatching Zhao Yunlan's medicine back when Zhao Yunlan says he'll swallow the pill dry

RIGHT?????

This man is distraught and angry over Zhao Yunlan's utter failure to care for himself and the only way to soothe it is with excessively fussy caretaking and I love him.

I love that so much about him too! God, I love them both SO MUCH.

[marycrawford]

Aw, I'm impressed you finished the story that was such a tsuris, even if we don't get to see it -- I wonder if after some time you might find things to salvage in it? My own sense of whether a story sucks or not tends to be badly calibrated, particularly after just finishing it, so I wonder.

I would love to hear more about your meditation course since it seems to have helped out a lot with writing, and easily distracted/low energy is my issue right now. I promise I won't think you are a Youtuber, even if the kind of Youtubers I watch are sedate middle-aged people who talk about watercolor a lot. XD

Earlier, I wrote a recap of the 'SW deals with ZYL's disaster apartment' scene for sid_guardian, with a lot of self-indulgent screencaps, because I live for this kind of character dynamic and also they both look so good.

This man is distraught and angry over Zhao Yunlan's utter failure to care for himself and the only way to soothe it is with excessively fussy caretaking and I love him. I also love Zhao Yunlan curling up in a tighter ball of pain and sads when Shen Wei scolds him. Dumb baby.

SIGH, you said it, all these things are Very True. I love them both so much, and 'excessively fussy caretaking' is so accurate that it makes me cackle. Daaww.

[naye]

...10 day meditation course you say? That's probably a lot more hardcore than I can handle, but on the other hand it sounds good! (Yes I've just started meditation this year and it's so helpful and yet I keep not doing it because ~fear of failure~. Anyway it's something I want to learn properly.) Also I would be interested in your thoughts on meditation + writing!

[momijizukamori]

1) that sure sounds like UPS alright :[ hopefully it shows up in the next few days

2) I look forward to whatever you're working on next

3) I have been rewatching Guardian as I force my best friend to watch it with me, and knowing everything that happens means I get to just sit and appreciate all of Shen Wei's micro-expressions even more, honestly.

[cyberbrain]

*cheering for your writing*

I, too, am interested in the meditation course (and, fwiw, I don't think sounding like a youtuber is a bad thing lol). Was that a class you attended?

it's harder for me to find fic I want to read
Yeah, same. I've looked through a lot of the tag *sigh* y'know, this is kinda why I want to get to writing again, so I'll have the content I crave.

[elenothar]

I'm very impressed that you managed to finish writing a fic that you think is bad - that's a lot of staying power. Also, my own sense of whether what I'm writing is good or bad is abysmal and changes with my mood, the weather and any number of other external factors, which means I mostly rely on beta readers who I know will be straight with me.

This man is distraught and angry over Zhao Yunlan's utter failure to care for himself and the only way to soothe it is with excessively fussy caretaking and I love him.

☝ Episode 8 is possibly my favourite episode of the whole show and I catch Feelings every time I watch it, to the point of forgetting to actually pay attention (oops).

[ratbones]

Finishing things was the skill I always lacked, and it feels GREAT to have it now even when the thing turns out meh. I don't mind sharing this much: I was out of ideas and I'd been asked for an epilogue to my last longfic. I decided when I was writing the longfic that it shouldn't get an epilogue/sequel/anything, but usually writing more when people ask me for more works out well for me, so I did, only to conclude that, no, the story was already done without this. So I guess it's not that it's bad, exactly, but that I want the story to end where I already ended it.

Yay for perma-fandoms! This one is nicely kept alive by a new game release every several years.

*joins you in loving them both lots* <3 Shen Wei is overreacting there but really only a little, bless him.

[ratbones]

I don't like the story arc and I don't want to post that. But I do really like a few things I did in the story, and maybe I can find a way to gut those scenes for parts elsewhere, sometime. I'd like to; there's some good, novel, thoughtful stuff in there, and after all, I DID fight to finish it! Gotta be something useful in that!

I got enough questions that I might write a more extensive post about the meditation thing after all...I wouldn't mind sounding like a middle-aged watercolor youtuber so much, lol. For now though, re: writing, I don't think the specific course I took is all that important, but for me, developing a skill with meditation in some form and deliberately practising it is a very strong defense against the constant scatteredness of existing in the world in the year 2021. I had been alternatively "too busy" to write, and then "too tired" during my free time to focus on much of anything, and some mental clutter-clearing and refocusing on my values was deeply needed.

Ohhh I thought someone had posted about this scene but I totally lost track of actually reading it, thanks for linking! I might or might not manage a comment there but "I have an ow, but I don't need any help, but please notice I am suffering, but also I am FINE" <- lol yes exactly, perfect. Also the thing about Shen Wei putting his finger over his nose. They're adorable I love them.

[ratbones]

I got enough questions about meditation that I'm gonna (try to) write an actual post. ^^; Thanks for the nudge. The 10-day thing was very nice and very needed. I feel like I closed a bunch of tabs in my brain. Congrats on starting meditating,; I know it can seem super intimidating, but the good news is that the fear of failure can sit there and meditate with you! That's probably really good practice, actually.

[ratbones]

1) I got my package! Seems to have been an honest mistake by a new driver, which I can't get too upset about (...now that the package has arrived.)

2) There should be a first chapter this week, unless something goes horribly wrong :D

3) Guardian rewards rewatches so well. When you know Shen Wei's whole backstory, there's so much more to notice and fall in love with. Also good for you for forcing them to watch it lol.

[ratbones]

Not a class, the basic thing is just a set of 15-minute-ish sessions that you can do in your own time, to which I added some journaling and additional solo meditation time. I used the ten-day Happiness course by Cory Muscara, in the Mindfulness.com app. I know I recced Muscara's podcast to you; I got free access to the course from a link in one of his podcast episodes. The link might be dead now but LMK if you'd like me to try and find it!

Pls no I don't want to sound like a youtuber I have no life hacks or self-improvement techniques lol. Next thing you know I'll be doing a capsule wardrobe tour.

Yeah, sometimes you gotta feed yourself. *tiny claps of encouragement for cb's writing brain returning*

[ratbones]

Thanks! I think I sorta had to finish it to be sure it wasn't gonna work. (And it really isn't; I do often have a wave of uncertainty right when I'm finishing a piece, but nah, this one just ain't it. I'll give it another look later on, though. Maybe I can at least use parts of it elsewhere.)

Lol, yeah, I get you, this episode is FULL of feels and it's hard to have any deep thoughts over the sound of one's own squee. <3

[trobadora]

Finishing things was the skill I always lacked

Are you me? It's the hardest thing! The only way I can seem to do it at all is with posting in mind - I can't seem to make myself finalise anything unless I have a point where it's published and therefore out of my hands. So I admire you A LOT for finishing something you're not going to post!

only to conclude that, no, the story was already done without this. So I guess it's not that it's bad, exactly, but that I want the story to end where I already ended it.

That makes a lot of sense to me! Yeah, sometimes an ending just really needs to stand as it is, and adding more would detract from that.

Shen Wei is overreacting there but really only a little, bless him.

Only a little, yes, and also, who can blame him? Who'd have thought he'd find Kunlun again only for Kunlun to be like that?! :D

[clevermanka]

This hit me like a brick: Being too well-trained to mindfulness has been an unwanted interruption to idea-generation mind-wandering in the past. And I would read anything you have to say about the meditation class. I had a consistent meditation practice for years but haven't been able to do it lately. Well, I can, but I often wind up crying and I just don't have the stamina for the resulting headache every day. THAT SAID I am very interested in hearing about your experience, especially as it affected your writing, if you choose to share.

[cyberbrain]

the ten-day Happiness course by Cory Muscara
That sounds very useful ^^ I've been (slowly) listening to his podcast but I don't remember hearing about a link or an app. If you can find it, it'd be great but no pressure ^^

Next thing you know I'll be doing a capsule wardrobe tour.
eee, that would be fun too but of course I'd say that, I'm biased <3

*tiny claps of encouragement for cb's writing brain returning*
<3

[ratbones]

Planning to publish is definitely the big motivator for me as well, that and having a decided ending that I can write towards. It hadn't hit me that I wasn't posting this one till I was almost finished, otherwise I probably wouldn't have, lol.

Who'd have thought he'd find Kunlun again only for Kunlun to be like that?! :D
Truly shocking and horrifying, how dare anyone treat Kunlun so badly? Much less Kunlun himself? NOT OKAY. :D

[ratbones]

Yeah, that's the thing, mindfulness and meditation aren't perfect cure-alls. They're tools to make use of. And they're powerful and kind of magic when they're working, but (I'm sure I don't have to tell you this if you had a practice for a long time) if meditation isn't helpful to you right now, then there's absolutely no need to put yourself through that. (Sounds *awful*.)

I told people I was going to post about my experience/my practice and then I took a stab at it and went 'oh this REALLY is hard to write about', but thanks for the vote of interest! Maybe I'll manage.

[ratbones]

I found you the link! I kind of hate that the site looks like you're signing up for someone's free cult indoctrination ebook but the course is actually fantastic.

eee, that would be fun too but of course I'd say that, I'm biased <3
Awww :3 I don't actually do the capsule wardrobe thing, I just have an ordinary minimal-ish closet, so we're all safe from that, haha. <3

[clevermanka]

It *is* awful! Hilarious, but still awful.

Don't stress yourself about writing it, obviously, but if there's ever a time you're up for it it sounds like you have an eager audience!

[cyberbrain]

Thank you so much! (hee, the site is kinda funny ^^)

[tinny]

I don't feel like I failed in the writing, exactly, more like I embarked on an endeavor I should've known was doomed, but I'm kind of proud of myself for sticking it out and finishing something bad. Now I know what that looks like.

<3 It's a good thing? I am all for sticking things out, and I have some failed attempts in my 'portfolio'. :D You always learn something from them, from the process, and maybe you also like the result, even if posting them is not an option. <3

the Guardian tag is like, 50% or more fic I want to read.

That is indeed something special and Guardian-specific. I've never seen that in any other fandom, either, and will always make Guardian have a place in my heart.

dele

That sounds interesting! I like Japanese dramas, on the whole. I think I'll check that one out.

[ratbones]

Yeah, you summed up my thinking! I felt kind of grumpy about the whole thing for a couple of days (of course) but I feel like I learned something, which I wouldn't have learned if I didn't stick it out. And there are things in there that I like, which maybe I'll use elsewhere, or maybe are treats just for me.

That is indeed something special and Guardian-specific. I've never seen that in any other fandom, either, and will always make Guardian have a place in my heart.
It's wild. I don't understand what that magic is but I love it so much.

I hope you like dele, if you decide to watch it! I thought episodes 4-8 were notably better than 1-3, just fyi.

[china_shop]

I took 10 days off trying to write to do a meditation course and ended up not using all 10 days, because I just had to get some ideas down by day 8.

When I started trying to meditate, I would keep pen and paper handy in case I had fic thoughts that had to be recorded -- which ot1h, setting myself up to fail, but otoh, fic thoughts have to be recorded! And if I don't write them, I have to keep reciting them to myself. Eventually I found a different technique that made it easier not to have the fic thoughts in the first place. (Still had thoughts springing up, of course, but not ones I Had To Write Down.)

I really should go back to meditating some time. /random, hi!

Not to neglect the books scene, which I know makes some people cringe but look, it's Shameless Zhao Yunlan, he thought he was gonna win Shen Wei over by running a scam, he needed this.

Ha, yes! I love that scene so much. *noogies ZYL foreeeeever*

[ratbones]

Oh god the "reciting ideas in my head to not forget them" thing, yes. Yeah, I was meditating well before I was writing, so I had kind of the opposite thing; I was good at noting a thought and letting go of it. Which is great, except when it isn't because I NEEDED that thought! It's a bit of friction I still haven't fully worked out. But when I totally drop meditation, I'm so vulnerable to getting distracted by thinking about stuff I really don't value and shouldn't expend energy on.

In any case, good luck getting back to meditating! :D

*joins you in the noogies* ZYL you dork! <3