so who's the moth?
Jul. 8th, 2020 05:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ratbonesI was stepping out onto my porch to retrieve my dry laundry this afternoon when I noticed there was a very small spider on the storm door, near the latch. She was carrying a dead moth slightly bigger than herself.
Nice one, little buddy, I thought, but you're going to get smashed if you stay there. So I tried to brush her off onto the porch, where she'd be outdoors and probably safer.
I dislodged the moth from her grip instead. "Crap, sorry," I said, out loud, to the spider. I tried to nudge her off again.
I turned her into a brown streak on the door.
For a solid couple of seconds, I stood there, looking at the door. I considered bursting into tears, because I'm always kind of wavering on the edge of that lately, and it did seem like a fair opportunity. But, I mean, it was just a spider. So I went outside and got my laundry.
This story is a metaphor for whatever you think it's a metaphor for, but I'm just posting this because I feel guilty about the spider.
Also, yeah, the slightly fragile state: I've had my solitude back for a while now, but my personal life continues to be more complicated than I'd like, and I had a hilariously awful Murphy's Law mess of a weekend from which I really haven't recovered (the most dramatic part of which was when a power outage triggered an emergency at work which led to me working somewhat frantically until midnight and then when I finally got home, this is not some kind of euphemism, my home was full of live bats (whatever you're about to tell me about bats: I know)) and I'm feeling pretty burned out on...everything other than writing.
Writing is actually pretty good! I wrote almost 2k yesterday, which felt fantastic. I'm starting to feel more cheerful about my current WIP - I thinknnozomi's comment to me about how we're not required to write well is slowly working some kind of magic on me. I'd had the thought before, but sometimes you need to hear it from someone else. I had been procrastinating and feeling weird and bad about posting stuff because I was worried that the next thing I made wouldn't be as good as the previous thing, but now I've got an additional voice in my head saying "so what?" (And "according to whom?")
I'm still having some troubling task inertia every day when I try to get started, though, because I'm spending a lot of my free time just sort of shut off, because overwhelm and stuff. Also, we've been in a heat wave for over a week, with no sign of it letting up, and I don't have air conditioning. That rarely bothers me much, but it's just. SO HOT. And that makes it hard to not just lie around.
Nice one, little buddy, I thought, but you're going to get smashed if you stay there. So I tried to brush her off onto the porch, where she'd be outdoors and probably safer.
I dislodged the moth from her grip instead. "Crap, sorry," I said, out loud, to the spider. I tried to nudge her off again.
I turned her into a brown streak on the door.
For a solid couple of seconds, I stood there, looking at the door. I considered bursting into tears, because I'm always kind of wavering on the edge of that lately, and it did seem like a fair opportunity. But, I mean, it was just a spider. So I went outside and got my laundry.
This story is a metaphor for whatever you think it's a metaphor for, but I'm just posting this because I feel guilty about the spider.
Also, yeah, the slightly fragile state: I've had my solitude back for a while now, but my personal life continues to be more complicated than I'd like, and I had a hilariously awful Murphy's Law mess of a weekend from which I really haven't recovered (the most dramatic part of which was when a power outage triggered an emergency at work which led to me working somewhat frantically until midnight and then when I finally got home, this is not some kind of euphemism, my home was full of live bats (whatever you're about to tell me about bats: I know)) and I'm feeling pretty burned out on...everything other than writing.
Writing is actually pretty good! I wrote almost 2k yesterday, which felt fantastic. I'm starting to feel more cheerful about my current WIP - I think
nnozomi's comment to me about how we're not required to write well is slowly working some kind of magic on me. I'd had the thought before, but sometimes you need to hear it from someone else. I had been procrastinating and feeling weird and bad about posting stuff because I was worried that the next thing I made wouldn't be as good as the previous thing, but now I've got an additional voice in my head saying "so what?" (And "according to whom?")I'm still having some troubling task inertia every day when I try to get started, though, because I'm spending a lot of my free time just sort of shut off, because overwhelm and stuff. Also, we've been in a heat wave for over a week, with no sign of it letting up, and I don't have air conditioning. That rarely bothers me much, but it's just. SO HOT. And that makes it hard to not just lie around.
no subject
Date: 2020-07-08 10:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-07-08 10:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-07-09 02:34 am (UTC)(I've been working on a would-be original novel which I'm pretty sure is not likely to interest anyone who's not me, so I really need to keep telling myself that it's okay that way as long as writing it matters to me. Which it does, so what the hell ;) )
I'm hoping, knock on wood, that 2020 is just the year when ALL the bad things happen, and that please God it'll get better from here on, so in future people will be saying things like "I had such a 2020 day today, it sucked" (in a generally better context). Take good care <3
no subject
Date: 2020-07-09 08:47 pm (UTC)This is SO impressive! I tried for years to write "just for me" and I could never finish anything. That kind of pure internal motivation is hard to come by. But what you said was tremendously useful whether or not one is expecting to have readers; thank you! <3
And, yes, let's just get all of the crazy weird terrible things out of the way this year. I'm also looking forward to looking back on 2020 and going "what the hell was that?"
no subject
Date: 2020-07-09 06:22 am (UTC)But srsly wtf BATS?
I for one look forward to your next fic and I know it'll be great. I have to write bad words before I can turn them into good words all the time, so, yeah...
no subject
Date: 2020-07-09 08:48 pm (UTC)This is so true. Editing can do a lot, but you need something to work with first. I hope you end up enjoying the fic!
no subject
Date: 2020-07-09 07:40 am (UTC)And wait. We don't have to write well??
...
It's true? Huh.
Super glad that's working for you - words feel WONDERFUL. And good luck with the rest of 2020 which I didn't know came in "full of live bats" but of course it does and you just had to be the lucky winner!
no subject
Date: 2020-07-09 08:49 pm (UTC)They tell me we're not even getting a grade in this class! I know, seems fake. Words DO feel wonderful, I'm so pleased they're happening.
Yes, lucky me! It's like that clip with Oprah and the bees, except bats. 2020 is full of surprises!
no subject
Date: 2020-07-10 03:39 am (UTC)Even for 2020, that's a heck of a thing. O_o
I'm glad to hear the writing is feeling so good! *^^*
*hugs in general*
no subject
Date: 2020-07-10 04:48 am (UTC)Yes! It does WONDERS for my mood. :D
*hugs back*
no subject
Date: 2020-07-12 09:36 am (UTC)Your writing is *chef's kiss*! (According to me.) Yay for just doing it! \o/
no subject
Date: 2020-07-13 04:50 am (UTC)Aww, thanks! I'm trying to take your and others' word for that, haha. Just doing it works out so much better than sitting around worrying about it.