lemme talk about not talking

[ratbones]

I keep trying to write some kind of post about this and failing, which is exactly the thing I'm trying to write about, so I guess that's predictable.

There are a few stressors going on in my life right now. The biggest one is that I have a housemate. This is temporary (in fact, they're moving out next week) but it's been a weird time. I really like this person, but they're very verbal, and I prefer written communication to begin with. We've been talking. A lot. And it's always fascinating, and I've been learning a lot from them, and I really wish it was happening over email. But they don't really do that even when they aren't living with me. I go long stretches of time without speaking to them at all, so I'm using this time to connect with them in the way that works for them.

Consequently, I've been finding my energy for communication is completely sapped most of the time. And it's probably getting a little bit worse every day, too? Maybe? Like, today, I was in the weekly Guardian rewatch party on Discord, hosted by glymr. I've been attending the last hour of it every week for a while now, and I enjoy it a lot. Plus I'm not the only person who types in response to the voice chat, so it feels quite comfortable to participate. But today I barely even managed to type anything. If you were there: I had fun listening to you guys! I was happy and interested, I was just out of words.

More generally, I've been mostly successful at replying to comments and DMs, but I have a growing list of fics that I want to comment on, and I've been utterly silent here for most of the past month. It is much easier for me to type than to speak, but it still requires some higher-level processing to make sure I am expressing myself the way that I want to, and I don't have the energy right now, even when I want to. I'm...not really comfortable with that, though it's hardly the first time in my life that I've been at this point.

There are still going to be some things going on for me after my housemate leaves, but hopefully I'll feel more myself and have more choice in where to spend my verbal energy once I have my Cube of Absolute Solitude back. I guess it might take me a little bit to bounce back, though.

I am actually managing to write fic pretty much every day, somehow, even if I'm going a bit slower than I want to. I have most of a chapter drafted. The evil goblin in my brain says it sucks, but that's what it says every time I have a chapter 90% written and haven't begun editing it. It's just a stage in the process.

On the subject of generalized overwhelm and the processing thereof: I bought some fidget/stim toys and have discovered that I can mostly stop chewing my fingers by chewing on food-grade silicone thingies instead. For years, I tried to make myself fidget in a less "gross" way, but that's not going to happen, and I need to stop shredding my cuticles, and these things are extremely satisfying.

How do I end a post. I don't know. I should probably say that I'm not offended by curiosity or questions, and you will not be overburdening me by commenting on this post; if I need to take a little longer than usual to respond, I will.

Comments

[tinny]

I should probably say that I'm not offended by curiosity or questions

Thank you! Because this is very interesting!

I wanted to come to the watchalong again for a while, but haven't had the energy. :(

I hope you can get yours back soon! Calm and quiet can go a long way.

chewing on food-grade silicone thingies

This is actually very cool, and I didn't know there were such things. (I bite my nails when I'm stressed.) I always find that the most important thing is to get to know how to handle your idiosyncracies - how to best navigate life in your own way. It's great that you found something that works!

I have most of a chapter drafted. The evil goblin in my brain says it sucks, but that's what it says every time I have a chapter 90% written

Oh god do I know that feeling. /o\ Editing is the worst.

[ratbones]

Thank you! Because this is very interesting!
Interest is an awesome reaction. :D I have to work hard at processing sensory input and understanding/following social "rules"; that's why verbal communication takes a lot of energy. Could've said that in the post itself, whoops. But I'm also just introverted, which is rather common around here.

Would be fun to see you at the watchalong again soon! But I certainly understand not being up to it (and the year 2020 has not been easy on anyone's energy reserves.)

I always find that the most important thing is to get to know how to handle your idiosyncracies
Yes, that! I'm definitely still working on that - probably always will be, I guess - but progress is happening and that's good. If you're curious, here is one of the chews that I bought. (I think I intentionally switched from nail-biting to cuticle-biting at some point in my teen years? "Hey, I quit biting my nails!" lol.)

Oh god do I know that feeling. /o\ Editing is the worst.
Every single time, I swear! I'm almost starting to see it as a positive sign. Means I'm almost done.