lemme talk about not talking

[ratbones]

I keep trying to write some kind of post about this and failing, which is exactly the thing I'm trying to write about, so I guess that's predictable.

There are a few stressors going on in my life right now. The biggest one is that I have a housemate. This is temporary (in fact, they're moving out next week) but it's been a weird time. I really like this person, but they're very verbal, and I prefer written communication to begin with. We've been talking. A lot. And it's always fascinating, and I've been learning a lot from them, and I really wish it was happening over email. But they don't really do that even when they aren't living with me. I go long stretches of time without speaking to them at all, so I'm using this time to connect with them in the way that works for them.

Consequently, I've been finding my energy for communication is completely sapped most of the time. And it's probably getting a little bit worse every day, too? Maybe? Like, today, I was in the weekly Guardian rewatch party on Discord, hosted by glymr. I've been attending the last hour of it every week for a while now, and I enjoy it a lot. Plus I'm not the only person who types in response to the voice chat, so it feels quite comfortable to participate. But today I barely even managed to type anything. If you were there: I had fun listening to you guys! I was happy and interested, I was just out of words.

More generally, I've been mostly successful at replying to comments and DMs, but I have a growing list of fics that I want to comment on, and I've been utterly silent here for most of the past month. It is much easier for me to type than to speak, but it still requires some higher-level processing to make sure I am expressing myself the way that I want to, and I don't have the energy right now, even when I want to. I'm...not really comfortable with that, though it's hardly the first time in my life that I've been at this point.

There are still going to be some things going on for me after my housemate leaves, but hopefully I'll feel more myself and have more choice in where to spend my verbal energy once I have my Cube of Absolute Solitude back. I guess it might take me a little bit to bounce back, though.

I am actually managing to write fic pretty much every day, somehow, even if I'm going a bit slower than I want to. I have most of a chapter drafted. The evil goblin in my brain says it sucks, but that's what it says every time I have a chapter 90% written and haven't begun editing it. It's just a stage in the process.

On the subject of generalized overwhelm and the processing thereof: I bought some fidget/stim toys and have discovered that I can mostly stop chewing my fingers by chewing on food-grade silicone thingies instead. For years, I tried to make myself fidget in a less "gross" way, but that's not going to happen, and I need to stop shredding my cuticles, and these things are extremely satisfying.

How do I end a post. I don't know. I should probably say that I'm not offended by curiosity or questions, and you will not be overburdening me by commenting on this post; if I need to take a little longer than usual to respond, I will.

Comments

[extrapenguin]

*hugs* Yeah, I know the feeling very well. No problem turning up late with Starbucks for everything; comments are always welcome, even (especially?) after the first blush of attention.

I bought some fidget/stim toys and have discovered that I can mostly stop chewing my fingers by chewing on food-grade silicone thingies instead. For years, I tried to make myself fidget in a less "gross" way, but that's not going to happen, and I need to stop shredding my cuticles, and these things are extremely satisfying
That's interesting! I have (had?) the exact same fidget/stim/habit/whatever, but have been managing it by cutting my nails short and drinking tea instead. *g*

[naye]

I'm neurotypical (afaik), and I would find a housemate exhausting. The only one I've ever had has been the person I decided to marry! And they are excellent at giving me space and we're not on a deadline for getting things talked about in person so...yeah, just massive sympathies on the having to use so much verbal communication. (I'm Team Written all the way!)

And yay for persevering with the fic! Your brain goblins suck, and your fic doesn't.

The not destroying your cuticles sounds like a great discovery, so I'm glad to hear you found those fidget toys. ♥

Good luck with words, and take your time! They need to grow back now that you've harvested so many in such a short time.

[nnozomi]

More power to you making it amiably through a period of time with a housemate; no matter how good a person they are, it can be so stressful not to have introvert time accessible.

The evil goblin in my brain says it sucks, but that's what it says every time I have a chapter 90% written and haven't begun editing it. It's just a stage in the process.
I'm always excited when a new chapter by you comes up in the fandom tag, so as far as I'm concerned the evil goblin doesn't know what it's talking about. (I've been telling myself lately that if what I'm writing does suck, so what. No one is being forcibly compelled to read it, and it's not like I'm using up other people's fair share of pixels.)

Always glad to see your name at the Discord watchalong thing also, as another type-and-listen person. Usually by the time I'm awake enough to communicate coherently even in writing it's 2/3 over, but still fun!

Take good care.

[frith_in_thorns]

Yeah, uh, all of this is extremely familiar. I also find *replying* to things, whether it's comment replies or commenting on a fic or DW entry or twitter status, hugely more difficult than just saying random things into the void. Which is why I make long posts and then run away from the comments. I go up and down in cope and I'm also pretty low in cope right now.

Good luck with the chewy things! I tried some chewy pendants but unfortunately I have worked out that most of the stim for me is my fingers *being* bitten rather than the biting part, so I found them pretty unsatisfying.

[marycrawford]

oh god so much sympathy on the housemate. Talking? A LOT? Oy. I understand that you really like them and so on, but it still sounds like a big burden.

I am in a giant energy deficit at the moment and the commenting issue is huge for me too. I really want to, because I love talking story and I love giving feedback, but it does take up a lot of mental energy. I just have to keep telling myself that every little bit of it counts, whenever I manage to do it, because stories don't expire.

[umadoshi]

There are still going to be some things going on for me after my housemate leaves, but hopefully I'll feel more myself and have more choice in where to spend my verbal energy once I have my Cube of Absolute Solitude back. I guess it might take me a little bit to bounce back, though.

*nodsnods* I always find recharging when my reserves are drained like that can take a while. :/ It sucks, but it is what it is.

I'm glad the stim toys you have are working for you! I keep liking the looks of fidget jewelry (pendants are mainly the ones that catch my eye, but there are some really neat rings that I like), but I'm not sure they'd help me with my particular tics, which are mostly about picking at cuticles or whatever when there's something specific to go at. (Which of course there always is.) Anyway, the variety of options out there these days is really neat, and I'm glad the market's finally being recognized.

And yay for getting writing done!

*hugs you to whatever degree is comfortable*

[tinny]

I should probably say that I'm not offended by curiosity or questions

Thank you! Because this is very interesting!

I wanted to come to the watchalong again for a while, but haven't had the energy. :(

I hope you can get yours back soon! Calm and quiet can go a long way.

chewing on food-grade silicone thingies

This is actually very cool, and I didn't know there were such things. (I bite my nails when I'm stressed.) I always find that the most important thing is to get to know how to handle your idiosyncracies - how to best navigate life in your own way. It's great that you found something that works!

I have most of a chapter drafted. The evil goblin in my brain says it sucks, but that's what it says every time I have a chapter 90% written

Oh god do I know that feeling. /o\ Editing is the worst.