lemme talk about not talking
I keep trying to write some kind of post about this and failing, which is exactly the thing I'm trying to write about, so I guess that's predictable.
There are a few stressors going on in my life right now. The biggest one is that I have a housemate. This is temporary (in fact, they're moving out next week) but it's been a weird time. I really like this person, but they're very verbal, and I prefer written communication to begin with. We've been talking. A lot. And it's always fascinating, and I've been learning a lot from them, and I really wish it was happening over email. But they don't really do that even when they aren't living with me. I go long stretches of time without speaking to them at all, so I'm using this time to connect with them in the way that works for them.
Consequently, I've been finding my energy for communication is completely sapped most of the time. And it's probably getting a little bit worse every day, too? Maybe? Like, today, I was in the weekly Guardian rewatch party on Discord, hosted by![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
glymr. I've been attending the last hour of it every week for a while now, and I enjoy it a lot. Plus I'm not the only person who types in response to the voice chat, so it feels quite comfortable to participate. But today I barely even managed to type anything. If you were there: I had fun listening to you guys! I was happy and interested, I was just out of words.
More generally, I've been mostly successful at replying to comments and DMs, but I have a growing list of fics that I want to comment on, and I've been utterly silent here for most of the past month. It is much easier for me to type than to speak, but it still requires some higher-level processing to make sure I am expressing myself the way that I want to, and I don't have the energy right now, even when I want to. I'm...not really comfortable with that, though it's hardly the first time in my life that I've been at this point.
There are still going to be some things going on for me after my housemate leaves, but hopefully I'll feel more myself and have more choice in where to spend my verbal energy once I have my Cube of Absolute Solitude back. I guess it might take me a little bit to bounce back, though.
I am actually managing to write fic pretty much every day, somehow, even if I'm going a bit slower than I want to. I have most of a chapter drafted. The evil goblin in my brain says it sucks, but that's what it says every time I have a chapter 90% written and haven't begun editing it. It's just a stage in the process.
On the subject of generalized overwhelm and the processing thereof: I bought some fidget/stim toys and have discovered that I can mostly stop chewing my fingers by chewing on food-grade silicone thingies instead. For years, I tried to make myself fidget in a less "gross" way, but that's not going to happen, and I need to stop shredding my cuticles, and these things are extremely satisfying.
How do I end a post. I don't know. I should probably say that I'm not offended by curiosity or questions, and you will not be overburdening me by commenting on this post; if I need to take a little longer than usual to respond, I will.
There are a few stressors going on in my life right now. The biggest one is that I have a housemate. This is temporary (in fact, they're moving out next week) but it's been a weird time. I really like this person, but they're very verbal, and I prefer written communication to begin with. We've been talking. A lot. And it's always fascinating, and I've been learning a lot from them, and I really wish it was happening over email. But they don't really do that even when they aren't living with me. I go long stretches of time without speaking to them at all, so I'm using this time to connect with them in the way that works for them.
Consequently, I've been finding my energy for communication is completely sapped most of the time. And it's probably getting a little bit worse every day, too? Maybe? Like, today, I was in the weekly Guardian rewatch party on Discord, hosted by
glymr. I've been attending the last hour of it every week for a while now, and I enjoy it a lot. Plus I'm not the only person who types in response to the voice chat, so it feels quite comfortable to participate. But today I barely even managed to type anything. If you were there: I had fun listening to you guys! I was happy and interested, I was just out of words.More generally, I've been mostly successful at replying to comments and DMs, but I have a growing list of fics that I want to comment on, and I've been utterly silent here for most of the past month. It is much easier for me to type than to speak, but it still requires some higher-level processing to make sure I am expressing myself the way that I want to, and I don't have the energy right now, even when I want to. I'm...not really comfortable with that, though it's hardly the first time in my life that I've been at this point.
There are still going to be some things going on for me after my housemate leaves, but hopefully I'll feel more myself and have more choice in where to spend my verbal energy once I have my Cube of Absolute Solitude back. I guess it might take me a little bit to bounce back, though.
I am actually managing to write fic pretty much every day, somehow, even if I'm going a bit slower than I want to. I have most of a chapter drafted. The evil goblin in my brain says it sucks, but that's what it says every time I have a chapter 90% written and haven't begun editing it. It's just a stage in the process.
On the subject of generalized overwhelm and the processing thereof: I bought some fidget/stim toys and have discovered that I can mostly stop chewing my fingers by chewing on food-grade silicone thingies instead. For years, I tried to make myself fidget in a less "gross" way, but that's not going to happen, and I need to stop shredding my cuticles, and these things are extremely satisfying.
How do I end a post. I don't know. I should probably say that I'm not offended by curiosity or questions, and you will not be overburdening me by commenting on this post; if I need to take a little longer than usual to respond, I will.
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That's interesting! I have (had?) the exact same fidget/stim/habit/whatever, but have been managing it by cutting my nails short and drinking tea instead. *g*
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I have (had?) the exact same fidget/stim/habit/whatever, but have been managing it by cutting my nails short and drinking tea instead.
It seems to be a really common one! And yet everyone is getting slightly different things out of it, maybe? *Zhao Yunlan voice* I need to have something in my mouth. But I also pick my cuticles in conjunction. The chewy stim toys are satisfying hand fidgets as well (soft smooth thing!), so I'm really hoping that I can make them stick as an alternative to both the biting and picking.
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And yay for persevering with the fic! Your brain goblins suck, and your fic doesn't.
The not destroying your cuticles sounds like a great discovery, so I'm glad to hear you found those fidget toys. ♥
Good luck with words, and take your time! They need to grow back now that you've harvested so many in such a short time.
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Thank you! Ugh, brain goblins.
Me toooo. If I emerge from the highly taxing situation better equipped (literally) to cope with daily stress, then that's a win.
Beautifully put. I need to remember this. <3
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The evil goblin in my brain says it sucks, but that's what it says every time I have a chapter 90% written and haven't begun editing it. It's just a stage in the process.
I'm always excited when a new chapter by you comes up in the fandom tag, so as far as I'm concerned the evil goblin doesn't know what it's talking about. (I've been telling myself lately that if what I'm writing does suck, so what. No one is being forcibly compelled to read it, and it's not like I'm using up other people's fair share of pixels.)
Always glad to see your name at the Discord watchalong thing also, as another type-and-listen person. Usually by the time I'm awake enough to communicate coherently even in writing it's 2/3 over, but still fun!
Take good care.
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Ahh thanks. Yes, it's just a bit of a marathon situation for someone who needs quiet solitude. Knowing that there is a time limit to it has been helpful for maintaining equanimity (i.e. not throwing a toddler temper tantrum when they need to ask me a question when I'm busy.)
Aww, thank you. <3
The evil goblin says that I will disappoint my friends and readers, but even if I write The Perfect Fic, someone will still be unhappy with it, because people have varying individual likes and dislikes. So I think you may have a very good point here.
Ohh I totally had not thought about what time the Discord watchalong was for you - yikes! I'm usually rushing home from work to attend. Time zones, argh. But it's so nice to hang out with everyone, and I love that there's a little group of type-and-listen people!
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Good luck with the chewy things! I tried some chewy pendants but unfortunately I have worked out that most of the stim for me is my fingers *being* bitten rather than the biting part, so I found them pretty unsatisfying.
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In light of which, thank you for taking the time to talk to me! <3 (And - it is always fine to not reply to me. I will assume you're just not up to it and it's not my fault. (If it IS my fault, you might need to tell me.))
It's too bad the chewy pendants didn't work for you, argh. Finger biting seems to be pervasive among my ND friends, but everyone has slightly different needs that it fulfills, I guess, so it's tricky.
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I am in a giant energy deficit at the moment and the commenting issue is huge for me too. I really want to, because I love talking story and I love giving feedback, but it does take up a lot of mental energy. I just have to keep telling myself that every little bit of it counts, whenever I manage to do it, because stories don't expire.
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Ahahaha...yeah. I'm really glad it's not just me that finds this hard to deal with.
You have a point - stories don't expire, most people love getting "late" comments (I certainly do), and also none of us alone can comment on All The Fics. The past few months have been hard on lots of us in various ways, so I guess we have to cut ourselves some slack. But it really isn't fun not having the energy to do stuff you like doing. :/
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*nodsnods* I always find recharging when my reserves are drained like that can take a while. :/ It sucks, but it is what it is.
I'm glad the stim toys you have are working for you! I keep liking the looks of fidget jewelry (pendants are mainly the ones that catch my eye, but there are some really neat rings that I like), but I'm not sure they'd help me with my particular tics, which are mostly about picking at cuticles or whatever when there's something specific to go at. (Which of course there always is.) Anyway, the variety of options out there these days is really neat, and I'm glad the market's finally being recognized.
And yay for getting writing done!
*hugs you to whatever degree is comfortable*
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Yeahh. I'm kind of expecting to crash and sleep for a day after Housemate leaves. And then spend a few days after that getting back to normal.
The fidget jewelry might be worth a shot, if it appeals to you! I also pick my cuticles, in combination with the biting (yikes), and I'm finding that I can transfer the urge to scan for rough spots and pick them to fidgeting/rubbing a chew pendant, at least sometimes. But also that's just me. I have some other stim toys (like a fidget cube and a really nice spinner ring) that are kind of fun but have sadly done nothing to save my fingers. Lots of things out there to try, anyway, as you said, which is awesome!
*hugshugs*
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Thank you! Because this is very interesting!
I wanted to come to the watchalong again for a while, but haven't had the energy. :(
I hope you can get yours back soon! Calm and quiet can go a long way.
chewing on food-grade silicone thingies
This is actually very cool, and I didn't know there were such things. (I bite my nails when I'm stressed.) I always find that the most important thing is to get to know how to handle your idiosyncracies - how to best navigate life in your own way. It's great that you found something that works!
I have most of a chapter drafted. The evil goblin in my brain says it sucks, but that's what it says every time I have a chapter 90% written
Oh god do I know that feeling. /o\ Editing is the worst.
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Interest is an awesome reaction. :D I have to work hard at processing sensory input and understanding/following social "rules"; that's why verbal communication takes a lot of energy. Could've said that in the post itself, whoops. But I'm also just introverted, which is rather common around here.
Would be fun to see you at the watchalong again soon! But I certainly understand not being up to it (and the year 2020 has not been easy on anyone's energy reserves.)
Yes, that! I'm definitely still working on that - probably always will be, I guess - but progress is happening and that's good. If you're curious, here is one of the chews that I bought. (I think I intentionally switched from nail-biting to cuticle-biting at some point in my teen years? "Hey, I quit biting my nails!" lol.)
Every single time, I swear! I'm almost starting to see it as a positive sign. Means I'm almost done.